Flame On!

Fire. Dangerous and beautiful. Deadly and amazing.
I love a good fire. That's all you need, a few flames and a few friends. It makes for a wonderful time.
I have had a long and complicated history with fire. From almost becoming a pyromaniac and lighting matches in the bathroom just to watch them burn, to sitting in the backyard with friends and drinks. I have been around the flame for a long time.
I used to to hang out with a group of people. Most of those people are asses and I no longer want anything to do with them. But my best times with them where around the fire. My first nights with them where in the summer after high school around the fire, sharing the two liters and just talking.
Then we moved to another house and changed the routine. We went from quiet fires, to becoming progressively stupider. I only watched, but they began to hop the fires, walk on burning palettes, and put burning beer boxes on their heads. As I said, stupid. But still it was fun and a good time. Way out in the back yard of a house, it felt like we were the only ones around and all was right with the world.
But now most of those friends are gone, thank God, and the amount of time around a fire are now few and far between. But it is still a good time. Right now, as I write this, I am around friends and a fire. I smile as I listen to their stories and enjoy the company and the flame.
I guess I like fires so much because I can melt away as I look into the flames. Its not about what I see in the orange light, but the fact that I do see it. I become lost in thought, and yet am so at peace.
Anyway, I have a fire to get too. As always, thanks for reading. Write again soon.

God Bless the USA..... we need it!

I love my country, I do. It needs to be said before I continue. I do love this nation, but lately I want to 'Gibbs slap' everyone who is incharge, from top all the way to the lowly local government paid clerk.
Between the debt ceiling issue, with all of government acting like spoiled children trying to bribe eachother out of the clubhouse instead of fixing the issue. It made me sick when at the end of it all they did was push back the issue and then the head of the Republicans comes out and says, he's happy because he got 98% of what he wanted. 98% of what he wanted and none of it was to actually fix the problem, why do we vote these morons in?
But now I really am so angery with what I heard. Ten year 9/11 memorial ceremony is coming up and the NYPD and NYFD is not invited because of 'lack of room.' This is beyond disgusting, beyond horrifying. These are the men and women who risked their lives for the lives of people they never knew, these are the people who lost family, friends, and coworkers for no other reason other then it was the right thing to do. Why can't the people hosting this do the right thing? Excuse me I need to vomit.....
Back. Where was I? Oh yeah, the country is out of control and it needs to stop. If you agree with me let me know. If you don't I apologize about wasting your time. Either way, I thank you for reading.

Two Lefts, One Right, A Wrong, and There You Are!

Morality is a tricky beast, more I think now then ever before. Morals are a tuff sell, government and religion both tried to instill it while ignoring it. So we rely on other ways. Parents were good, but they seem to have gotten soft with each generation, my father threatened with the belt or Father Baker's, now kids threaten the parents with Child Protective Services. And even tv, my shows had morals of the stories, now it seems like the writers are all stoned.
For my part, I had parents who were great with instilling morals. And it has brought me alot of strife, turning the other cheek. Friends who were confused at some of my actions. Coworkers who have wondered why I put up with crap without doing anything but smiling or walking away.
And I would like to point out I am not perfect. I have broken moral lines in my past. Done things that I regret, to my own family no less. And yet I am not also upset at times when I have done it.
One such example of me not being shamed about is it when I took a shot at a cousin of mine. He did alot for me in my life, but he also did alot to hinder my life, and what makes it worse is he doesn't see it. So the one time I took a cheap shot at him, called him out, it left a sour taste in some of my family's mouth. But I wont apologize for it, he doesn't deserve it. Is this me, no. But at the same time I need one shot in.
I believe morals are still necessary. They are needed now more than ever in politically corrupted and spoiled world. To many are have forgotten it.
This one is Dedicated to my two amazing sisters, both of whom remind of my morals. Neither are ones you would expect to find it in, but they have strong moral compasses. Thank you both!
As always thanks for reading!

Buffalo Driving and Why Its Dangerous!!!

Let me start off by saying I am terrified to drive. Not only because I always feel like I will be hit, like my accident a few years ago, but because I will pick up the unsafe habits of those around me.
I will start with my friends. Most of the them believe that the roads are their own private race course. My one friends was so bad, a cop made me take the wheel for the rest of the way to Rochester. 90 mph with a suspended license will do that. And then there was the visit to Geneseo in which my friend played chicken. My friends are dumb!
Oh and you'll love this story, the driveway across from where I work is always dangerous. Not only is it on a busy street, but it is also a busy driveway on the weekends, full of idiots rushing in and out not paying attention. Last year for three weeks there was an accident on each Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But this makes it worse, a lady was pulling out of the driveway when she was hit by an 18wheeler. Her SUV landed ten feet away on its tires, it didn't flip just flew. We heard it and turned to see, and we saw her driver side window filled in white, we assumed air bag. A guy I work with went over to take pictures. After ten minutes of her not getting out of the vehicle but every one else wandering waiting for the cops and paramedics, we began to think she was hurt. Our coworker returned and explained what was going on. She wasn't hurt, she was just texting and it wasn't an air bag, she had put a piece of foam in her driver's side window to block the sun from going into her eyes, so she couldn't see the truck if she wanted too. How stupid?
Lets not even get to the weather. In Buffalo it snows, we're kinda known for it. Yet every year at the first snow everyone drives like its the first time they have ever seen the stuff or been behind the wheel. And if it stops snowing for more than a week and then starts up again, its the same thing. Come on people get with it!. Let's also not forget the rain, people seem to like to drive fast in the rain. The roads are a slick. They will drive slow in snow but in rain its slip and slide time?
And let's not even get to the sports events. Bills or Sabres games let out and its like playing Frogger with your car and drunk people. However as a Sabres fan, I refuse to comment anymore on it.
Then there are the everyday drivers. First, being as close as we are, Canadians are terrible Buffalo drivers. Either to fast or to slow, but never the right speed. Next are the old, need I say more? Also their are all the stereo types, which although racist are also true, and I wont elaborate. And then the high schoolers, who believe that everyone else should get out of their way while they text, drink, and talk on their phones. You'd think sense they just got a license, they would try extra hard to not lose it or more importantly their lives.
Drunk drivers should just be beaten. They endanger everyone around them and alot of the times just walk away. Beaten with a beer bottle is what I say!
Why? Why is it so hard to drive safely? I understand accidents do happen, but why add to it? It doesn't make sense to me and probably never will. Anyway thanks for reading. Oh yeah no one reads this.
  

The Things I Do!

I have hobbies, who doesn't? But what are they, some people don't know, or more importantly they just don't care. And then they try to tell me what to do or how to spend my time, like what I do isn't good enough.
Now I would like to point out that I Role Play, or RP. That is where you build a character, usually very different from reality with magic or advanced technology, and then play out this character's life. Now 11.1 million people do this on the game World of Warcraft, many more on City of Heroes/ Villains, DC Universe online, Call of Duty and many many more. Yet I don't play those games, as much as I would like too. I play Dungeon and Dragons 3.5 and Old Word of Darkness, D&D3.5 and OWoD. And there is no computer.
OWoD I play in two version, Table Top and Live Action Role Play aka LARP, and I enjoy it. See what you do, with the rules given to you by the company White Wolf that invented the game, you build a character, we mostly use their vampire rules. From there, continuing with these rules you begin to act out or RP the character. Now there is another player or players that are called the Storyteller, ST, Game Master; GM, or Dungeon Master; DM, all doing the same thing, run the game by giving the players setting and other characters called NPCs(none playable characters) and coming up with the story that the Players' characters find themselves in.
Now this seems complicated and at times it is. But when I lost faith in my writing, this became a very creative outlet for me. Infact for a few years I was an ST for a LARP called Redmoon, which was alot of fun, and very stressful, yet worth it while I was there. But I like to look at it this, I am actually face to face with people who think on their feet and have so many great personalities, not seeing an orc from god knows where, again would play if I could.
Another great thing about these games are you can become who ever you want while still being safe. Rules prevent dangerous activities from getting out of hand and other people there to make sure you don't completely lose touch with reality, something I have never had issues with. See I once played a character that was down right evil.
His name was Mozenwrath the Relic Raider, and also called Taven Magi. He was a vampire and a powerful necromancer, magic that controls and manipulates the dead. He was asleep for hundred of years and didn't understand much of the modern world, calling a night rave club a demon temple and cell phones talk stones. Yet he knew one thing was still the same, people die. And he did horrible things to continue his study and manipulation of death. And it was fun, yet I never forgot I wasn't him and it was just a game.
So as long as I am having fun, and I don't let it run my life, why am I wrong and 11.1 million with expent brain power ok? I don't know, I don't care. I am having fun so tuff.
As this is about my hobbies, I will get into my other ones. In addition to RP I am a gamer in general. I like board games, card games and video games. I also enjoy reading and writing.
I like reading Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and The Lord of the Rings series, the Silmarilion was the best in my opinion. American Gods was awesome and comic books. Reading is cool and I like it and love my Kindle.
Writing is a very funny hobby for me. I enjoy it very much which, if you ask my father is strange. It was once used as a punishment for me and I hated it. Now I enjoy it very much and love posting some of it online for you to read. Very odd indeed.

Red Lanterns Ho!

My anger is something that I try to keep in check. It scares me the more angery I become. So I try to bottle it, which in turn makes me grumpy until I get over it. And I believe being grumpy is better than letting my rage out.
Take today, a friend of mine passed away recently. I requested an early leave on an up coming day for the memorial service and was granted it. That was until the other guy who works with me the day told me he wasn't coming in that day so he could have fun. Now that aggravated me. But when he later told me to not be a cry baby when I went to talk to him later about it, I wanted to cause him great physical harm. So I wanted away and am now in a very cranky mood.
My coworkers, and family later, are cross with me because of my bad attitude. And I do feel bad that I am so pissed, because they all agree with me on this. But still, I lose out. The most they can do is fire this guy, which I would greatly enjoy, and that still causes me to miss out. And even if they tell him he has to be here, he will just call in or not show, going back to the firing. God I want to beat this guy till he is in traction.
And I am a big guy, both is size and muscle. I am strong and if I had lost control and caught this guy, who I still wish to beat into traction, I could have hurt him. And it scares me that I could be so violent. I am not a violent person, even in my games I look for a non violent solution. 
And I have lost my temper in the past and placed more than hole in the walls at home, reminds me I still need to fix those. I don't want to hurt anyone. So please don't get me angery, I don't want to turn green and hurt people. It just isn't me.

Customer Stories 5

This happened not to long ago. This was when I worked in a stores warehouse. Again my job was to put the product into customer's vehicle. If the product was to big to fit within a vehicle, we would offer a tie down service, which we were not responsible for if product is lost, that didn't me we slacked on it however.
Anyway I brought the product out to the customer's car. First off he didn't even back his car up, he made me carry it across the parking lot. I put it on top of his car because he had three people with him, leaving no room for his purchase. I then asked if he had his own tie down material or if I needed to tie it down for him. He told me he had his own rope and I turned to walk away. He snarkingly then asked me if I was going to help him. I said ok and went to get our twine, but he insisted that I use his horrible rope.
So I began to tie down his stuff with this rope, which was horrible. All the while my supervisor is shouting from the front doors that I don't know what I'm doing, causing the customer to keep checking my work getting in my way. It would have been better for him to check when I was done, not be in my way. Anyway I it tied down as best as I could. And when I was all done he did nothing but get in his car and leave, he didn't even check when I was done.
Anyway he left. About ten minutes later the store phone rang and our cashier answered as she is supposed to. It was the customer, and he was mad. He told her he was going down the thruway and lost his stuff. He started screaming at her that it caused an accident and that we owed him new stuff. Our one associate took over the call for her.
The man now began arguing with the associate. He started by changing his story and saying there wasn't an accident but it could have caused one. And that its all our fault that he lost his stuff speeding on the thruway. Our associate stood by our store policy, and me, and the fact that it really was this guys fault for stupid driving. The guy proceeded to start swearing at our associate being very rude.
It was bad that this guy lost his stuff, but there was nothing I could do. I did the best I could with the stipulations he was placing on me. But whatever, karma is a bitch. 

My Biggest Fear!

So I figured this is something i'd share with people. It is what I am most afraid of. Its nothing big, just what truly scared of.
I am afraid of being alone. Not being not with people, but not having people to turn to when in need. And it is hard dealing with this at times, even though I have nothing to fear.
I grew up with very few friends. I had one or two and even those friendships faded with time. For so long I only had my family to rely on, and that was fine, but it made me feel isolated. I became shy.
That all changed with in my sophomore year of high school. It was then when I met my other brother. He's not really my brother, but I consider him to be one of my siblings, bringing the total to four. He has always been there when I needed him and I can never repay him for that.
And of my siblings my two sisters and my brother are also there for me when I need them. As are my aunts, uncles, and parents. But as I said my family has always been there, and with so much of them. Four parents do you believe that? I needed so much help growing up I had two sets of parents!
My other brother is still there when I need him, but my circle of friends boomed when I graduated high school. It went from two to like twelve people that I called friends. I even ended up dating one for ten months before she broke up with me. Slowly however I have lost most of them as friends, do to distance, time, or them just being self centered asses.
But they were a stepping stone to another round of friends, a bigger ring of friends with more people who care about me as well as me caring for them. A bunch of great people from all sorts of backgrounds and all with their own quirks.
I have an organless friend, who is my Statler to his Waldorf. I have a mad scientist who moved to Georgia on me but I still love her. I have a jeweler's son who is a fanatic gamer I visit almost every week with. I have another who doesn't take crap from people and is very independent and strong and I respect her for it. I still have my other brother and many many more.
Yet even with all these caring people and with all my family I still fear being alone. I even can't help but feel alone at times. Mostly when I am surrounded by people, and I see their happiness. Not that I'm not happy, I am. I am very happy with things, I mean my life isn't my dream, but it could be much much worse and I still have more to be thankful for than not. But I still feel lonely at times.
But as I said I have more to be thankful for. So thank you to all my friends and family who make the loneliness seem so much more less. Thank you for making laugh and smile when I'm sad. Thank you the shoulder when I need to cry. Thanks you for caring about me as much as you do. I love you all so much!

Suspect Behavior

As promised, the other cop story.
This one was years ago, with a circle of friends that I no longer have. They were bad for me, and shockingly this story didn't even register on the reasons why they were bad.
Anyway, they dragged me to a party. A party I should mention I didn't want to go to begin with. It was hosted by a girl we had nick named Fang Face, bad teeth, and she was bitch.
Anyway this was the most boring party I had ever been too. I had to sit in the dark while everyone around me got drunk and smoke filled the house from the smokers. And to make it worse my friends were in other parts of the house, leaving me alone with pot heads that I didn't know.
Now I am not a big drinker, never was. And I am very shy. So let's just say my time was not fun. After awhile I got up and went into the back yard. No people, no noise, no smoke. I was alone in the dark and I had a better time out there than inside at the party.
Out side I stayed for maybe a hour before my friends noticed I wasn't on the couch in the dark living room where they left me. That's when they came to get me. And inside they dragged me again. The pizza had arrived and they wanted me to eat.
After the pizza, the drinkers were becoming the drunks. And they started to become very loud and clumsy. I had conviced my friends that maybe now it was time to go. They agreed and we left. We got to the car when we heard something inside smash, probably a glass or bowl. We drove off.
Two days later I was at work when I received a phone call. It was a police detective and he wanted to ask me some questions. Now this happened before the kids stealing zebra cakes story by two days, and it was my first time talking to a cop, so shyness turned into nervousness. He said I was a person of interest in a theft from a few nights ago.
Turns out someone at the party had stolen some hand guns from Fang Face's father's gun safe. She named me and my friends first because we were the first ones to leave. So he called to ask me some questions. He was nice about it, but I was still nervous about the whole thing. I knew was innocent, but I began to worry that my nervousness would make him think I would I was guilty and that made me more nervous.
After about a hour of questions he thanked me for my time. He told me he would be in contact. I was worried.
Turns out I never heard from him again. I, the paranoid freak I am, had nothing to worry about. I laugh about how stupid I was even now. And the the thief turned out to be Fang Face and her boy friend. How dumb was that? They found out because she took the guns for her boy friend to pawn for money and hid them in her room. How do I know these stupid people?
Again thanks for reading.

My Weak Will

There is no way around this one, I'm fat. I am. At 402lbs I am fat, and scared to death of it. But even still I have a bigger problem.
I am smart. Not a genius, and my common sense sometimes flies away, but I am pretty smart. But I am also weak willed. And it is part of my problem.
I love food to much. I tastes good, well the things I like anyway. And I can't just give it up. Mac and Cheese, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, sushi, hamburgers, hot dogs, I love it all. And all of it slowly killing me.
Last summer I was diagnosed with Supraventrical Tachycardia or SVT. It is a problem with the heart that makes it beat to fast. Which is bad. It shockingly has nothing to do with my weight, yet the added stress doesn't help the problem. And yet it still wasn't enought to get my ass into gear.
As stated in another post I am afraid to die. But I can't just give up my food. I am not strong enough. And to make it worse, I am to lazy to get up and move.
I sit there watching tv, going hey 'I could just fall down and do sit ups as I watch this.' Yet I don't. I don't know why? All I would have to do is roll off the couch and start. But I just don't have the will.
But I went to the doctor's and got the 402 weigh in and got scared. And I did something new.
I asked for help. I know I don't have the strength and will, but with help I can do it. And already I know I have made little changes. Small, but better than before. Instead of cutting out the food, with help I am cutting down the food. Instead of the third helping, my mom will say something and remind me. And my dad sends me annoying reminders during the day.
It is hard, and I am still just starting, and stumbling. But I am doing better. Because I will tell you this, I won't be going early. I don't want to. I like it here to much to leave yet. So let me ask you a favor, if you see me out somewhere eating, stop over say hi and tell me, 'put down the donut,' I will understand and thank you, after all you'd be helping save my life.

Customer Stories 4

This isn't a storie so much as a reoccurring event at work. And I ask why? How stupid must you be? And it happens every day and sometimes more than once.
Let me set the scene; the store is locked, the lights are off, the open sign is off, the sign on the door with the hours say we open in one hour. The acting manager is readying the store for the day, and I'm hanging out playing on my phone because I cannot help set up and I'm lame and there so early because that's when my ride can drop me off.
The car pulls up. The occupants stay in their car looking through the big front wall windows seeing the lights are not on. After about five minutes they climb out of the car and walk to the doors. Above the doors the the neon open sign is off. They get to the door pull the handle... and become very confused the doors are looked.
You would think at this point it would detour them. But have heart, our customers are more determined than that. They proceed to plant their hands on the glass door in binocular style and then plant their face in their hands to look for that hope that there is a mistake. All the while the brightly colored sign with the hours on it, two inches from the 'look out' spot on the door, completely ignored.
From there are intrepid customers will begin to knock on the door, or the slightly smarter ones will knock on the front window trying to get the attention of one of us inside. We then proceed to open the door a crack and tell them, as they seem to be unable to read, when the store opens. When we tell them they then ask if they can come in to just look around, which we can't do and they know it. But they think they are special because they are window shopping, not spending money but "just look."
Then heart broken because they realize they aren't special after all, they return to their car. But do they leave? No! They sit and wait. Once for 45 minutes when I was there to see. They sit in their car and wait for those doors to unlock and the light to go on. And they then enter, the sales man turns to them and asks them if they need and and help their response is, "just looking!"
How the hell do you go through all that to just look around? How do you go from being so desperate as to stare and pound and wait to, 'no I'm not here to buy anything I just was impatient to see what you have which I can check online at home with no hassle.'? It baffles me! What was so important you had to see it in person? Does our website promise a concert as well as our product? Why!?!
And this happens daily. To various degrees, but the over all theme is the same. Some don't get out of the car at all and wait, some do buy but one of our throw away items, some drive off. But the overall dance is the same and it confuses me. But then again, I never understood true stupidity, so whatever.   

Setitism and the Super-Best Friends

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment pf religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." ~ the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of the United States of America

A topic came up in one of my games recently and I thought I would write about my feelings on it. As always this reflects my view and should not be felt like I am pressing my views on others. The topic was religious intolerance, granted the religion in the game is a fake one dedicated to the resurrection of a Dark Vampire God to destroy all but the faithful and it shouldn't be tolerated, the topic was there.
I am very tolerate of many different religions and denominations there in. I will state right now one religion I don't get is Scientology, but then again explaining by beliefs are probably baffling, even to other members of my faith.
However, even with my view of Scientology being what it is, we need to remember that this country was founded on the principle that all religious views, even the lack there of, are excepted. So it saddens me when I hear of all the religious hatred that is going on.
I work with a man who has the radio at work set to religious stations and for the most part, no one has a problem with it. My only complaint this whole time on it is that it is in Spanish and as I don't understand the vast majority of what is said and it sounds like gibberish to me I get headaches from it. Well one day my coworker changed the station to an English version so that I wouldn't get the headache, in less than five minutes I changed it back to the Spanish station.
What I heard made me very angery. Not the message of God that was being said, but the ignorant, hatefulness being said against Islam. I am not Islamic, but I cannot tolerate that.
I guess I am intolerant. Of such hatred. I am not a hateful person. I believe only two or three people I have ever hated, though there are many with a feeling of strong dislike.
For those who would hate Muslims, here are some truths for you. Muslim is a word meaning 'one who submits to the will of God.' Allah is Arabic for God, same as the Jewish/Christian God, it is not a name. Jesus is part of Islamic faith, mentioned more time in the Qur'an than Muhammad. Islam is one of the most peaceful religions out there.
And just like Christianity's own bloody past, fanatics took words writen well after the first words to spread hate and terror. But even the followers of Christ are not with out sin on that one. Everyone mentions the Crusades, and that's true. However let's look closer to home. How about the Salem Witch Hunts and the witch hunts throughout Europe.  That wasn't as long ago as the Crusades. Infact I can trace my family line back to an ancestor who was killed during the Hunts.
Religion is a source of morality and faith. Something desperately needed, just as much now as ever before. And like all things touched by man they are corrupted. But it is the morality we need. And if you choose to not to have them fine. That is your choice, but for you Atheists out there that want everything that has to do with religion wiped out, that's you pushing your beliefs, or lack thereof, on me and others. That and read the Constitution you all love to quote, the words "separation of church and state" never appear.
I am not here to convert or preach the Word. I am here to say I hate the hate. Most is because of ignorance, which has always been the downfall of man. And in this country, with all the problems it does have, should not forget one of the reasons its here.

Customer Stories 3

So this one was also from when I was a cashier. I was on my break in the break room. The door was open, always was but I sat so I could see out of it or be seen in it, it was small and it had one table that took up much of the room two chairs and counter that had a microwave, coffee machie, and suger ketchep etc. I sat next to the counter to have easy access to the microwave.
Anyway I was sitting there eating something, I don't remember what, when a police officer walks in. "Are you Steve Zaky?"
"Ummmm...? That depends on what he did?"
"Mr. Zaky can you step out here and answer a couple questions?"
Now I'm nervous because I have never done anything that involves cops before and now I'm being questioned... again in the same week, which will be in a future next post.
I step out of the break room and there are two boys, maybe 12 or 13 each. I may have been nervous but they both looked guilty. "Mr. Zaky do you remember cashing these boys out for a box of Zebra cakes?"
A wave of relief comes over me, "excuse me?"
"One of your customers called saying she saw to young boys matching their descriptions grab a box of Zebra cakes and walk out with them. I found them and brought them back here to point out which cashier they were cashed out by as they claimed to have 'lost' their receipt. They walked in and said it was the big guy who they didn't see. I asked and your coworkers pointed me to the break room. Did you cash them out?"
"I get alot of customers in a day and its hard to remember them all. But I can tell you I didn't cash out to young kids for one box of cakes," they boys proceeded to try and hide their faces. "Should I call the manager?"
"Yes," then he turned to the boys. Before I could step away one of the other cashiers who was within ear shot called for the manager over the load speaker so I stayed put and listened. "So why did you do it?"
"Well we didn't have any money and we wanted snacks for the skate rink," one of the boys said.
"If you didn't have any money how were you getting into the skate rink?" The officer asked.
"Well we have eight dollars," the other said.
The cop let out a sigh, "It costs $8 for one person how were you both getting in?"
"Ummmmm........" the manager walked up.
"What's going on here?"
The cop explained what had happened to my manager and made the kids give back the cakes, but as they destroyed the box and dumped the individual packages into their backpack we could no longer sell them so he also made them pay for them. He then took them home as both boys tried to pull the 'but my parents are home now' with him.
Unable to resell them and them paid for the manager let the cashiers eat the cakes. We never found out what the cop old the parents or saw the kids again, but we chuckled over it from time to time. You ever want to meet so strange people, be a cashier.

Life and Lack Thereof

I know that as I write this no one is yet reading this blog, maybe no one will, but god damn it I need to write it anyway.
I lost someone the other night. She was a friend...ish. I didn't know her very well, we didn't hang out ever. In fact I only ever saw her once a year at UBCon (Gaming convention held at the University at Buffalo in April every year check it out, she would like this plug). She passed, and it still affected me greatly. Not because we were close, we weren't something I kinda regret, but because she was close to the people I am close to. I am going to call a friend every day to make sure he is ok because she is gone.
I have lost many people before their time. Suicide, accidents, unhealthy lifestyles, and just shear mysteries. People like to say, like my Dad, that God takes them when they are ready. I don't believe that. It is senseless and preventable, and I don't believe a God of love deals in that. To many young people lost for unnecessary reasons.
Maybe I'm wrong, but with so many younger people dieing, who will be left to clean up the messes of the generation that came before us, cause let's face it, its a mess out there. I worry for the world without these people to help us.
I once said that I would never commit suicide because I was to much of a coward. I was corrected saying that it was courage, because living is harder than dieing. I never understood that until recently.
I had a friend, sort of. He had it ruff and I would like to tell his story. When he was young he watched his older brother blow his brains out infront of him. It messed this kid up bad. He decided that he needed to take his pain out on someone and so he chose to bully me, emotionally never physically, from kindergarten until half way through eighth grade to make himself feel better. It was half way through eighth grade when I moved out of that school district to another one when my family moved a couple of towns over. I was free from him not knowing why he was the way he was. About half way through my freshman year of high school he also moved into the same district, in fact he now lived around the corner. For the first three days I avoided him best I could, but on that last day he cornered me while I was walking home. He then proceeded to apologize and explain. I being the way I am forgave him and we became friends. He was however still messed up and I had to talk him out suicide once. However after high school he began to turn his life around, he married a girl he liked and joined the army looking to find discipline and structure that he on his own lacked. Sadly he was shipped off to Iraq and was killed in the line of duty.
I look at all he went through, the strength it took him to keep going and saw potential for him to become something great only to be struck down by a needless war.
How can this be ok? We text and talk on our phones driving, drive while on something, kill our selves because life is to hard. Please I ask you, before you take those extra pills, wonder how much damage you are doing. We can't afford to lose you to stupidity or the lazy way out. You matter!
Every single person effects this world. Small ways, big ways it doesn't matter because you are important. You are at least important to someone!
Thanks for reading my rant!
I you or someone you know needs help there is so much out there to assist you. From the Tervor Project to suicide hotlines and RAB. Please seek help as needed.