I am lonely person. I go home every night and am alone! It is how I am, can I change this? I am told I can, but I don't see how. I mean I know what to do, dating sites, bars, clubs, mixers, etc. Talking helps, I am good at talking! People love, so I am told, but only ever as a friend. And because of friends I used to have I now strongly believe that I am not actually good enough to ever not be alone.
This feeling goes deep. It has to for me to know it to be wrong and yet still feel powerless to change it. Why do I feel so powerless, well when the people you were supposed to be able to trust says your not good enough, there must truth to right? I am not friends with them anymore, well mostly there is still one but contact with him is minimal at best. But the damage is done, the scar is there. No matter how many times I am told I am loved or how awesome I am I feel alone. Unable to change that.
This has brought with it a slew of other problems, most noticeably a constant feeling of sadness, misplaced anger, and a want to just be alone. Not just for a day, but to walk away from friends and sad with being a burden on them. I know, I know feel alone so force away those that are there doesn't make sense. But then again so does knowing something yet feeling the opposite!
I go out with my friends, listen to their problems, help them as best I can. But then I remember, most of them have someone else too. I go out with my closest friends, who are also a couple, and can't help but feel like the third wheel. They are awesome and love me, and are Family just as much as any relative, yet I can't help but feel that they go out with me out of pity, because they feel bad for me. I can't help but feel jealous when they go home together and I go home alone.
Because of this feeling I have recently developed a new fear. That is that down the line, I will pass away and no one will notice. That I will be found a few weeks later when a neighbor calls the police because of the smell of my body that has been sitting there rotting. Sorry for the imagery but it is my fear and my blog and don't read it if you don't like it, not that anyone does anyway.
It took me years to dig myself out of a place where I just didn't care what happened in my life cause I didn't believe I was going to be around long enough to care, and I didn't care that I didn't care. But I clawed my way out of that, and started to turn my life around. I started exercising more, eating better, saving money, working on being ready to take over my own store at work when they need me to. But then I hit this! I mean I can't even get my closest and dearest friend to read this blog!
Now I still plan on doing those good things. I plan on out living everyone I know! But I can't escape this empty feeling in me. Just someone I can talk to for hours on end, tells me they love me, cuddles with me, and may even want to spend time with me. I want someone to tell me everything is worth it and it will all be okay!
